did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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