I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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