remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
