1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize