Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
