so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
