so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Bring me that man meat
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
