I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
