My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Randomize
