A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
