The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
