am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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