I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize