I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
