so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
