"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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