Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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