You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
