After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
