Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he was CRYING into my vagina
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize