dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
