You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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