Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
