I murdered the dance floor call the cops
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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