lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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