I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
In other news, I just burned my penis
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize
