You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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