Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
