It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
