I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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