You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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