What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize