Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
