my phone needs a breathalizer
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
