I'm lost and stupid without you.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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