i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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