Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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