I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
