Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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