i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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