she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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