I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
