i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
