Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
