i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
