I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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