he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
