She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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