Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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