Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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