did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
