i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
