Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
