i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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