Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
And then my night got REAL pukey
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
