I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Still dying that you shit outside
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
