Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
