I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
