Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
