So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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